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Disclaimer: This is my personal story intended to help and give hope to those in situations similar to mine. I am not a licensed therapist or Doctor. It is in no way an absolute fix or a solution for all. These are the things I personally dealt with and the lessons I have learned from my experience. If you need immediate help, please call 9-1-1. Please seek professional help if you are suffering from the ramifications of domestic abuse.
"Dear God, please heal me. Fix me. Make me new. I want to be so fully healed that when I tell others of my story, they’ll stand in awe! Healed without a trace of smoke!"
That was my prayer. I meant it.
I didn’t want to be someone who went through hell and made every person thereafter pay for someone else’s mistake.
I know God created me for a purpose. He created you guys for a purpose.
He made me a happy, unique, creative, often weird, trusting lover. I love BIG.
I spent roughly 3.5 years in a terrible situation. Every moment I spent bitter, distrusting, hateful and resentful was another moment I stayed tied to the trauma. NO MORE. Not another moment will be stolen from me. If I were to have another chance at love, I wanted to give my future husband and children 100% of the real, whole, me.
I am a survivor. I will be a conqueror.
I will go back for the ones who are in the place I was in. I will fight for them.
Here’s the thing, my sweet girls, I could choose to blame him for every misfortune in my life since then. I could blame so many things on him and probably be justified. That gets me nowhere.
Our God is too big, too wise, too sovereign to allow my destiny to be determined by someone else’s mistakes. I was crushed so bad. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I was mentally and emotionally unrecognizable. I made horrible decisions. I was angry at everyone. I trusted no one.
Yet in my heart, I deeply wanted to be healed and whole.
God heard my cry. It would take years of work and prayer but I knew I wanted to be everything I was created to be: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I was ready to fight for it.
Months later a guy came to our church. He was cute. He was really cute. I was still partially dead inside. He would come around more and more and I got to know him. He was so nice. He's oddly nice. We hung out a few times. He would open the car door for me and pay for things.
Why is he so nice? He’s a spy. He’s trying to get close to me to run back and tell what’s going on. That’s it. In my mind it made so much sense. It made sense because I wasn’t healed. I was in pursuit of wholeness but my mind was still traumatized and warped.
I wasn’t ready to accept his genuine kindness. If you haven’t figured it out yet, spoiler alert, the ‘guy’ is your Daddy. 😉
I told him I didn’t want a relationship and I wasn’t ready and that’s it. He said he understood and he’d wait. “Yea…ok!” I thought. For four years he did just that. He didn’t get into any other relationship. He helped me with things at church. He never tried to pursue me or pressure me. He was honestly just a friend.
Somewhere after the 2 year mark I think I finally dropped the ‘he’s a spy’ theory. I was proud of myself. ‘Maybe he is actually just a nice guy!’ I thought to myself.
The fourth year a lightbulb went off. I was sitting in my office listening to T.D. Jakes. Bishop Jakes and I are besties. I don’t remember which message he was preaching but he told the story of his grandmother, I believe, in their house. For hours she would sit in a room with a fan and a window unit keeping her cool. The whole house had central air but she just wouldn’t trust it. Here she is sitting there clinging on to something familiar, afraid to step into more. She clings on in fear because of the unknown.
I’m not sure if it was The Bishop or the Lord but someone reached through that CD player and slapped me in the face. (By the time you read this, you’ll likely have to google ‘CD player’)
That was me. Clinging on to fear and doubt because it was so much easier than opening my heart again. The truth is, at that point, I was healed. I was just terrified. Thank God your Daddy waited. ♥️
Thank God he was a patient man. Now I have you two. My precious angels.cu As I write this, you are ages 7 and 2. Your current obsession is our wedding video that you both giggle over every time. You'll now watch it with a new perspective of the beauty of God's grace.
Now, there’s one more thing left to do…
<cont'd in letter 4>
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
If you are being abused by your partner, know there is nothing you have done or are doing to cause the abuse. It is solely the choice of the abuser to abuse. It may seem impossible to escape your abuser, change your circumstances, or find the help you need, but it is possible. However, you know your abuser best, so think carefully through your situation and circumstances and do what is the best for you.
Baton Rouge Area
(225) 389-3001 or statewide toll free at 1-800-541-9706.
Their phones are 24hrs/day
The Butterfly Society (Local non-profit - Zachary)
Battered Women's Shelter (Ascension parish)
1068 E Worthey St,
Gonzales, LA 70737
EBRDA Domestic Violence Division
24/hr National Number(s): 1-800-799-7233 and 1-800-787-3224